To finally be able to be myself

12 Feb To finally be able to be myself

Hi

First I would like to start by saying thank you for the opportunity to tell my story, when I first heard of the Wishwall Foundation it actually gave me some glimmer of hope.

So, I’m not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is a good place 🙂

My birth name is Jaime, I was born a boy, but have never ever felt like one. My earliest memories I knew I was different from other kids. I didn’t like sports and getting dirty and other boy things, and preferred playing with girls. It felt right.

My mom had me when she was 20, and my father’s been gone sine when I was about 2. To this day I have almost no recollection of him. He was abusive to me and my mom and she got away from him totally. I have no recollection of that side of my family either, I wouldn’t know them if they came up and said hi.

Sorry if I get sidetracked a bit, I’m trying to be complete and open about who I am and how I got here.

I always had long hair when I was young, people would say “What a pretty little girl” and things of that nature and I loved it, I was absolutley beaming inside. Even my birth name was non gender specific, which was not so great with the bullies at school. I got called a lot of names and kept to myself. I had no brothers or sisters so I ended up becoming pretty introverted. I began to hide the girl inside. It was horrible. My mom did the best she could for us, but we were pretty poor. We were on housing assistance and there were times with no power/heat/food, as my mom began to descend into full blown alcoholism. We lived in a pretty rough area just north of Boston, so to survive I had to get tougher around the edges. Burying the girl I knew was in there.

Mom says now she never noticed my feminine traits, but then will now acknowledge she was really too drunk to notice. I was a latchkey kid, at 10 yrs old I could come and go as I pleased. While she was passed out and I was alone, I would put on whatever girl clothes I could get my hands on, whether they were hers or my female cousins that I stole or…

There was a male relative who liked to give me pretty stuff when I was young, I didn’t realize what was going on there. I just knew I was getting dresses and undies. He did like to touch me but until I was older I really did not understand – I was about 7

I would put those clothes on. And all the bullying, non parenting, sexual abuse, all my troubles would whirl away as I actually felt like ME.

It was at about 10 that I discovered Caroline Cossey in an old issue of Playboy. The article headline called to me. I read about things I had only ever dreamed of inside. I was sooo happy,, I would go to the library after school (loong before the Internet) and read all the books on SRS surgery and hormones and I knew what the truth is inside.

I wish I could say I went on the path back then to transitioning to being myself (Amanda, by the way, nice to meet you) but that’s not how it worked out. I was always above grad level on tests in high school, but the pressures at home led to me getting my GED at 17 and going to work full time (I had actually been working since I could legally but I needed more to survive).

Back then, I buried the girl even deeper. My mom ended up going into many many rehabs and I needed to make ends meet. Working meant blue collar hence no painted toes or any of that besides I’m a tough guy right? I don’t feel that way. But I did at my very core.

Not being born a female has tortured me for years. I had to say that, got sidetracked

So to fast forward a bit, I married a girl, we were together 6 years when I finally decided to open up to her, to show the true me. She was gone within 6 months. I was devastated. I went into a huge depression and swore off ever doing that again. Buried deeper and deeper and deeper, but she kept coming back stronger and stronger. I have found myself battling depression, substances, suicidal thoughts, like its never going to get better and I’m stuck in a body I feel trapped in forever.

I did get a decent career going for a while, but the industry I was in has collapsed due to changes in tech, work has been hard to find, but out there.

In 2013 I landed a dream job at a big company, one of who’s principles include being open to Transgender employees or transitioning on the job. My big chance!!! I was finally on my own, feeling good about myself, getting ready to talk to a Dr about HRT and FINALLY being me. ME. Who I am. The pretty girl I can catch a glimpse of sometimes in the mirror.

About 2 1/2 months into the new job I started having chest pains when I walked. I went for some tests and was rushed into emergency surgery for a quadruple bypass the next day. I never saw that coming! That kinda stunk but what really stunk was that since I was not employed for a certain amount of time (120 days), my recovery time (a few months) was not going to work due to policy so I was let go. They were gracious enough to give me unemployment, but between that and medical bills, I soon did not have enough to cover my rent.

I was evicted Jan 1st 2015 and have been “homeless” since. I had nowhere to go at all except to my uncle’s place in rural RI. I had an incedent a few years back where I was outed to my family, and they were less than approving. In order to stay here I had to throw out all of my “Faggoty Crap” and cut my “Damm hair off”. I had no choice but to be homeless or this. I have nothing. Nothing but my dreams.

I can’t live like this anymore, it’s been going on too long and I need to be myself no matter what. So…

Once the weather gets warm, I am faced with either staying here miserable, or putting on big girl pants, leaving here, going into homeless shelters in Boston so I can be near Drs and be able to keep appts and begin HRT. I do not want to try to transition on the street, but it will take a while before any changes are apparent and hopefully I can get some assistance and get back on my feet. I have no money at all, so any hair removal is so far down the line I can’t see it.

This is not something I want to do, I don’t want to be around a bunch of people I don’t know, I’m scared. But I cannot live this way anymore. Amanda is coming back and she is here to stay.

My wish, is the same it’s always been. To completely be a girl outside, to match the girl inside. To live work and breathe as a beautiful woman. And then to pass onto others that are struggling that they can be themselves too. Life is too short, my Quadruple Bypass put mortality right up front for me.

I need this and want it more than anything and I don’t think it’s ever going to be better and I need help.
Just a little bit of help.

So, if you managed to stick around to the end, thank you for reading

Take care

Xoxo
Amanda

#desideriamo

Share this page...Pin on PinterestShare on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn
5 Comments
  • Simonetta Lein
    Posted at 18:45h, 15 February Reply

    Seat Amanda your story is so powerful that can charge other perople’s lives. Your inspiration made me cry. I want you to know that I strongly believe that every human being is perfect and can be an amazing person exactly for what she or he is. The external body is just a shape and has to reflect your soul. Your soul is beautiful so don’t be that much worry on the outside. We spoke about it, your life is a roller coaster so laugh about it, don’t take it too seriously. Life goes by very fast. Just be happy for who you are and know that you can encourage many people, come out and don’t be focused on others but in your happiness and others happiness to make a better society.

  • Amanda
    Posted at 18:54h, 15 February Reply

    Thank you 🙂
    It’s soo hard to think that way, but I try very hard to. The circumstances I’m in are so overwhelmingly difficult it’s hard to get up each day and function. These people are my family and should love me for who i am, but they don’t. I have to go on a very very hard path when the weather gets warmer. I don’t want to live in the street just to be myself outside and in, but I will if I have to, because this is no life here. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. I believe each day it’s going to get better because I have to. It’s the only thing that’s kept me afloat and alive really, I would rather die than be here much longer, so faith and kind words such as yours really really really helps

    Thank you so much and have a great day:)

    • Simonetta Lein
      Posted at 19:22h, 15 February Reply

      They don’t because you still don’t completely. The key is to have your vital condition higher. If you are happy, really happy inside no matter what they will follow your happiness. Maybe not immediately but it is always up to us, to be happy no matter the external circumstances. As a focus have you and your inner research, so that you can be a stronger person. And believe me, if by today you are just at ease with your self and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone they will calm down. If they see you changed you will be the living proof. As we said, don’t take it so seriously and they will not.

  • Amanda
    Posted at 20:11h, 15 February Reply

    I’m trying as best as I can 🙂

  • PROTEA HUMAN RIGHTS
    Posted at 14:01h, 17 February Reply

    Dear Amanda
    welcome to our Wishwall Community
    When I was reading your story, I was hearing the voice of your soul, not imaging your body.
    Your history can inspire many people and they can find themselves in your words.
    If you would like to speak with us about the opportunity to help people in your same situation, write us on : proteaperdesideriamo@gmail.com
    A big hug
    Sara for Desideriamo by Simonetta Lein & Wishwall Foundation USA

Post A Comment

*

Help The Wishwall Foundation to continue its life changing efforts.
Facebook Iconfacebook like buttonYouTube IconTwitter Icontwitter follow buttonCheck Out Our InstagramCheck Out Our Instagram